This week marked my first visits to a few of my schools. And by this week, I mean the week of August 24th, not the much later date I got around to posting it (oops (…I did it again (that video has like a 38 second unnecessary intro, which I know because it’s now stuck in my head. WHY IS SHE ON MARS!?!)). Monday and Wednesday I went to the school I had already worked at, so I just skipped them because I did nothing. For each visit, the schools are so far judged by how nice the teachers are to me and how nice the toilets are (there are no students until September (which is totally in the future)).

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Tuesday was my first day at Toyogaoka. I arrived just before 8 and was greeted by about 4-5 other teachers and the vice principle. As usual, I introduced myself to each one and almost immediately forgot most of their names. As soon as I’d sit down, another teacher would walk in and I’d have to stand up again to greet them (it’s considered impolite to remain seated when talking with someone (don’t be a smartass, of course at home doesn’t count)). Then they’d tell me to sit down and we’d start the whole process over again. I never feel bad about not quite hearing their names, because most of the time, I’m asked to repeat mine a few times (even if I use the easier katakana pronunciation (Kaatis [Kah-tis])). My favorite part is then explaining the actual pronunciation, and then hearing a group of them repeatedly attempt to say different pronunciations of my name (Cartis, Coortis). It’s like the name game, but changing the second letter instead of the first. It’ll die down for a few minutes, and then I’ll randomly hear “Cartis?” “Crtis” as they continue to check my name once again. It’s not funny because they can’t pronounce it, I can’t pronounce any Chinese names (which is why they use totally normal English names like Applesauce or Doflamingo (maybe not those, but they come up with some weird names)). It’s funny because of the repetition, like some kind of strange new Pokemon, Cartis.
One of the teachers was a girl about my age (I still call anyone female my age a girl rather than a woman purely out of habit). Instead of “man,” it’s still usually “dude” or “guy” (“boy” is for referring to slaves of course). I forget that I’m actually old enough where people my age have actual jobs. I also forget that I have what is considered an “actual job” (it’s hard when part of said job involves recess). She came over and talked to me for a while in spite of not really speaking English. As we talked, she took out her phone and showed me pictures of things she’d done and stuff around Mie, and I showed her pictures of stuff I did in America (for those of you who haven’t been in school lately, any girl sitting around and showing you pictures on her phone is like being part of some secret club. That’s how they communicate now. That’s why you don’t understand your daughter). She was 23 and taught the second graders, so I won’t be working with her that much. She was also really cute (another on the list of “if only she spoke English”). After about an hour, she had to go work (Japanese teachers will often suddenly stop during a conversation once some alarm goes off in their head reminding they have stuff to do, which makes me sad because I really don’t yet), but she asked me if I wanted to go dance at 9;30. I replied as most people would’ “What?” At 9:30, she took me and some other teachers across the hall to prepare for “undokai,” a kind of exercise day at school where some of the students put on performances and stuff. She played a song that still occasionally gets stuck in my head (sorry, best Youtube they had (real vid)), and I used my amazing Just Dance skills (and just good memory) to copy and learn the new dance (those who have experienced my JD skills will be sad to know there were no sexy hip moves in this song). After a little bit, we took a snack break where I got some delicious cookies. However, before we could continue, another teacher my age (25, though he wasn’t as cute) took me away to discuss actual work stuff. But I wanna dance (with somebody)! We can dance if we want to (we can leave your friends behind… (ok, I’ll stop before it gets out of hand)). We talked about how the classes generally work (which is technically up to me), then we started taklking about where we were from and video games (another on the list of “if only he spoke English…and was also a girl”). Once he, too, was called to work, I sat at my desk reading Japanese stuff until I got bored, then just pretended to read it while daydreaming and trying to keep that song out of my head. Occasionally teachers would pass out omiyage (souvenir snacks), so I got even more cookies! After eating enough snacks, it was time to inspect the bathrooms. This is where Toyogaoka lost some major points; the dreaded squat toilet. Now here’s the thing about squatters as I’ve called them since now because it’s easier to type. I don’t understand how a country who’s made some of the greatest advancements in pooping comfort since the guy who decided toilets should be indoors can simultaneously use a flushing hole in the ground. “But Curtis,” you say, “it’s actually more natural to poop squatting.” Fine, then put stirrups or a foot rest on the toilet so I can hike my feet up. Don’t force me to play some sick game where I have to simultaneously aim, balance, and race my calf muscle fatigue. Pooping should be a time of peace and relaxation, where one can sit and reflect upon the day’s Facebook posts. I shouldn’t have to dedicate a day at the gym just to be able to use the bathroom. Ok, I got that out of my system (get it?), let’s move on. UPDATE: They installed a western toilet, so they get all their points back. Finally at around 3:30, I headed out. As I was leaving, the cute teacher gave me another snack, so we’re basically dating according to kindergarten rules.

Thursday I prepared for Saturday. We’ll get to that when chronology allows.

Friday was my first day at Geino Elementary school. For those with really short attention spans, yes, that’s the same name as the middle school. The good thing about doing this a few times is that by now, regardless of how they word a question, I already know what they’re going to ask before they do. “Can you say your name again? Kartis? Where are you from? Where’s Michigan (they understand when I mention the great lakes)? How long have you been in Japan? Is this your first time?” Then they tell me how jozu I speak and I explain that doesn’t mean I can also understand everything they say. Then a new group comes in, rinse, repeat (does anyone actually put shampoo/conditioner on twice like that? I’m lucky if I use it twice a week, let alone twice in one sitting). The 6th grade teacher (not one of, the teacher of one class of forty 6th graders) showed me around the school and did her best to explain things in English. By now I can also recognize the kanji for the rooms I’ve looked up before (nurse, music room, etc.). I met a few teachers who I’ll be working with (one of whom has a kid at my Tuesday school). One teacher encouraged the others to use English, to varying degrees of success, usually not much past “My name is… (Slim Shady).” This time, however, I actually had a computer with a “recent” version of Internet Explorer, so I could work on stuff for once(most schools are on 8, when the current is 11. Google Drive laughs at me when I try to use them, but I don’t have admin privileges to change it (in case you were wondering)). To make my presentation interactive and therefore (hopefully) more interesting, I’m making a multiple choice quiz that I can have the kids answer by holding 1, 2, 3, or 4 fingers up. Since I lived in Detroit (according to anyone past Lansing), I had to word “what is Detroit famous for” in a way that the answer couldn’t be guns. As far as the toilets go, Geino passed with flying colors. Not only did I have 4G, and an actual seat, but it had the deluxe set of buttons including 3 separate flush strengths and a bacon button!

On Saturday, we did Let’s Learn English, which consisted of two 1.5hr. classes that elementary school kids(‘ parents) could sign (them) up for. The first class had about 16 kids, and the second had about 7. It’s good practice to work with kids and to see how others teach. We started by doing introduction janken (rock paper scissors), where they’d go around and say my “Hi, my name is Gojira, rock paper scissors!” Then whoever had the most wins at the end won. After that we taught them vocabulary by having them read it at different speeds to solidify it in their heads. Then we pinned them all on to a white board, and had everyone close their eyes while one of the ALTs “stole” some words from the board. Then it was up to them to figure out what was stolen. This was especially funny to us when the words taken were “nothing,” “daddy,” or “mummy” (the book we used was British, so we had to keep it that way, despite the Americans’ objections). Then two of the ALTs read the book The Tiger Who Came to Tea. It was like the Cat in the Hat, but the tiger just eats everything and leaves, but doesn’t help clean up at all. After that, we took a short break, then came back for some more games. I instructed the first game where they got together in separate small groups, with a pile of laminated flash cards in from of them (normal paper sized). I would call out a word, then they would find it and put that card on top of a plastic cup, and put another plastic cup on top of that. There was usually a little kid in the group that would accidentally knock it over, but in the second class, one of the kids was able to make a tower of nine or ten (as opposed to the usual 6 or so). In the second class, one of the kids actually goes to my Tuesday school, so he’ll get special treatment (i.e. I’ll remember his name). Finally, they got in different circles and one person started with “I went to the store and bought [vocab],” then the next person would repeat everything the previous person said and add one more thing. We were supposed to start over if someone screwed up, but everyone was whispering hints anyway, so we didn’t care. Then we handed out magic certificates with a tiger and their names on them. Between the two classes, we went to lunch, then came back and got ready for the next class. A few kids came early, so we had to entertain them. For some reason, my supervisor started doing sumo with a kid, then I did sumo with the kid. Then I did sumo with my supervisor. After pretending to struggle back and forth, I took him down. I expect to be fired any day now.

Will I be fired? When will I go to my Thursday school? Will I ever post a chronicle in a timely manner? Isn’t this…? Didn’t the old lady drop it into the ocean in the end? Find out next time on the Gaijin Chronicles! Dah dahh dadahhh da dahh duuhhh.

This week in Japan was Obon. It’s one of the busiest weeks of the year because almost everyone gets off that week. During Obon, Japanese families make vessels out of eggplant (or aubergine if you’re one of them funny-talkin’ people) to help the spirits of their ancestors return to visit them. This was a little worrying for me at first, because I don’t know who’s lived in this apartment before me, so who knows what kind of ghosts would come back here. Also, the ghosts would almost definitely speak Japanese, and depending on how long ago they died, would probably hate all non-Japanese people. Thankfully, I was assured that the ghosts go back to their families, not just their houses (American ghosts could learn a thing or two from them). This was good because I didn’t have any ghost hunting equipment or even a pottery wheel. For those who have had family members die recently, Obon is a particularly important holiday. For most others, it’s a good vacation week. Tsu JETs were required to take Thursday and Friday off as two of our holidays, not that we really argued. Vacation’s always good, even when you’ve only worked half a day (technically all the orientations count as work, too). However, first I had a whole day of work.

Back to School, Back to School…
Wednesday morning I got up at the fun fun time of 6am (after setting multiple alarms on two different phones), got dressed, showered, then walked to the bus stop (basically undoing the showering by sweating so much). It was my first day at Geino Middle School (or any school for that matter). My instructions were to go to the surf shop and take the #52 bus to the last stop, which made it easy, but at the same time I was slightly nervous that I had gotten on the wrong one or something. It takes almost an hour by bus to get to 3 of my schools, but I don’t mind it as much as driving since I can just use my phone/3DS the whole time. In fact, I started playing Monster Hunter specifically because it’s a good bus game. However, since it was the first time and I had no idea where I was going, I just listened to music while watching what the stops were. On the way I saw a McDonald’s with a play place (which I don’t think I’ve ever seen here), however it was outside and therefore probably heated up by the sun to 100-something/40-something degrees. I’m assuming that’s the kids version of hot yoga. I got to the school where I was greeted by absolutely nobody. Eventually I passed a teacher who walked by, said good morning and went to the teacher’s lounge, where I followed him. One of the teachers realized I was that white guy who was going to teach here, so he introduced himself and showed me to my desk. We talked a little in Japanese about where I was from and if I had been to Japan before. He spoke a tiny bit in English, talking about my travels, then commented on how similar “travel” and “trouble” are (in Japanese, they actually are). In teacher mode, I replied “yeah, though they’re a little different,” and repeated the two words. My JTE (Japanese Teacher of English) was there and took me on a tour of the school. She’s this cute little old Japanese lady with one of the softest voices I’ve ever heard. While on the tour, we passed by the gym where the volleyball team was practicing (girls volleyball, I learned as they approached (they have to cut their hair short, and are only in middle school, so… oops)). Their coach (one of the teachers I had met) said something in Japanese, out of which I heard the word for “introduction”, so they ran over to me and I introduced myself to them all. Later I passed another room with a girl practicing clarinet and introduced myself to her, too. Then the same with some other random students. I’m not sure if the students could guess who I was beforehand (they knew my predecessor had left), but either way they were all bowing to me, so I bowed back. The rest of the day was spent reading my English textbooks because I had nothing else to do. Now, this doesn’t mean I was reading a book about how to teach English. This means I was basically reading Dr. Seuss for most of the time. A little after noon, as I was eating lunch, my JTE told me that there wouldn’t be anyone in the office soon, so I could go home. I didn’t even think that was an option, even during the summer, but oh well, still gettin’ paid. She helped me look up the bus times, then left. I took the 1:00 bus home, then spent the rest of the day finally relaxing. Because this week is a holiday week, the Tsu JETs are forced to take two days of holiday on Thursday and Friday (not that I objected). So basically I went from a 4 day holiday to a 4.5 day holiday. Not too shabby for my first week.

The Great Circle of JETs
That night, my predecessor was in town for one last night before she left to return to America. She came over and we talked about what the teachers and students were like at her old/my new schools, what to expect when teaching, and what kinds of trouble the students will cause (other than the afformentioned kancho). She also showed me how a few things in the apartment worked (I hadn’t translated the kanji yet) like the washing machine and a mysterious remote control. She explained how the sun has set on her time here, and would rise with me as the new king JET (I think that was her, maybe someone else said that). We completed the exchange in a painful process that resulted in this. Cute, huh? After that we went out to dinner with my new neighbor (who I also met that night for the first time) and some of his friends for her last Japanese meal. It was kind of late, so we only had a few options. We went to a special version of a restaurant called Coco’s (which is usually just a curry house) that was a combination of the curry house and the restaurant next to my dorm from JCMU. I was tempted to get “The America” as I called it, which was just fried chicken, sausage, and french fries. Instead I got my other old favorite, the hamburg steak with demiglace. It was so hard to find decent demiglace in America. After dinner, we went back to my neighbor’s apartment where we hung out and played drinking games (which involved all of us wearing a fundoshi (outside our clothes) while I played sexy music on my phone). My predecessor’s taxi was coming at 5am, so we were keeping her up until then. One by one, everyone passed out/fell asleep/died (I wasn’t sure until later). Finally at 5, the two of us left escorted her and her Japanese friend to the taxi and never saw her again (though Facebook exists so it’s not quite as dramatic). As I walked back to my room, I wondered if I would ever have a normal sleep schedule.

Thursday night was the death/leaving of another JET, though this time one that I didn’t know. We all went out to dinner and drinks together, then afterwards hung out in a park eating ice cream (that’s what the cool kids do after dark now). It had just rained, so most of the equipment was wet, but we still got to use the swings and the see-saw. There was also a bathroom that looked like an upturned shinkansen. And by bathroom I mean one tiny room with just a toilet and a urinal covered by a child-sized saloon door. Once we realized how late it was getting, we went our separate ways to try and sleep at a normal time before our trip to Toba the next day.

Will I ever have a normal sleep schedule? Will you ever stop having nightmares from our face swap? How different will our lives be as a metalhead and a Mexican tranny? Find out next time on the Gaijin Chronicles! Dah dahh dadahhh da dahh duuhhh.

Wednesday was my one week anniversary here in Tsu. I’ve been told over and over by previous JETs how the first week or so is a rush and they can barely remember it. I now understand why. Other than the fact that I still haven’t unpacked a lot of my clothes, it seems like I’ve already been here a long time. I’m always surprised at how quickly I adjust when I travel or something big changes. A part of my brain just says “this is how it is now,” and acts accordingly (this also allows my brain to set up rather elaborate backstories in my dreams that I willingly accept until my subconscious starts to remember the real world and ruin everything). Going from a kid who in kindergarten answered the question “if a genie granted you one wish, what would it be?” with “for all the furniture in our house to go back how it used to be,” I’ve made some good progress (I stand by that statement, however). I also fully agree with the words of the great Adrian Monk: “You know what they say, don’t change anything ever” Who says that? “I do, all the time.” I look at it like a video game. My save file in America is still there and basically the same, I just started playing a new game. There’s plenty of references here to the old game, and one day there may be backwards compatibility so I can transfer data between the games, but for now, this is what I’m playing (Have I lost everyone over 30? Good. I can only imagine the sense of achievement people feel when they understand everything I talk about (and the sense of fear that they may have to be institutionalized). Ok, let’s get to the more interesting stuff.

Orientation Day 1
Monday and Tuesday were Mie orientation, which was actually slightly less useless than Tokyo orientation (though ran a little longer than necessary). We learned more about what to expect when teaching, what it’s like to live in Mie, and what to do in case of an earthquake/typhoon/tsunami/Godzilla attack. The first day was largely uneventful. We received more stacks of paper that are currently scattered around desks and floors in my apartment covering a wide variety of general topics such as I honestly don’t remember. The useful info was learned when talking to people in between lectures. For example, at my middle school, as a guy, I will be subject to “kancho” (or for Naruto fans, the Thousand Years of Death technique). For those who couldn’t watch the 20sec. video because they’re at work or jury duty or whatever, it’s where you fold your hands like your praying, straighten out your index and middle fingers (like a ninja), then thrust them into the unsuspecting victim’s *ahem* posterior cavity (I’m not sure if that was better or worse than butthole). They’ll also innocently call you over to ask a question, then reach up, grab your junk and yell “Chiiiiinnnnn.” Basically I’m gonna need metal underwear by second semester.

That night we had a welcome party at a park outside the station. A lot of the JETs from around Mie came to drink and talk and play games the coordinators set up. The main game was we were given a list of 6 words/phrases and had to try and casually make others say in conversation (without it seeming forced). Unfortunately the directions did not include screaming really loud Peewee’s Playhouse-style once it was said. That would have made the conversations even better. My words included such normal topics as The Little Mermaid, Baby Got Back, summer, smartphone, tourism, and something else. Ironically, we had been talking about the Little Mermaid like 5 minutes before the game, so my friend signed it anyway. Everyone was very suspicious of each other, so I just gave up trying to do it, although I heard some actually pull it off naturally.

We finished playing a few other games, after which one of our leaders declared that everyone who wanted to go to karaoke should gather around. One girl stated that it was late and we had to get up the next day for orientation again, so it wasn’t a good idea. He laughed, a few of us laughed. It was funny. Orientation wasn’t until almost 10, almost 12 hours away, and it’s not like we needed to be particularly alert anyway. We got a giant karaoke room because there were like 20 of us. Since there were so many of us, all the songs were picked within the first few minutes. I put in Take On Me, one of my favorite karaoke songs, but we ran out of time just before it came on (I sang it outside anyway). We still got through a lot of really good songs, though (mostly 80’s/90’s songs from Journey, Queen, Destiny’s Child, etc.). After the first hour (you pay per hour), most people were getting too drunk/tired to keep going, so we left. Then our leader declared “sanjikai,” an after-after party. Only about 8 of us remained. We headed to the station across the street which had “displayed” outside a dude passed out on the bench with puke under him, and a guy bent over next to him. That’s some good advertising. One of the guys coming out of the bar shook our hands and said, “Welcome to Japan.” A lot of people are super nice to foreigners around here. Can you imagine being in a country where people are treated better just because they’re white? Crazy, huh? (This is not the case at all in most parts of Tokyo.) Unfortunately that fun bar was closed, so we went to another. This was basically fourthmeal, so we just got some small orders of Japanese bar food, which ended up being some of the best karaage and fries I’ve had in a long time. Finally it was time to go home and sleep before our second day of orientation.

Orientation Day 2
So, as I mentioned earlier, I got a new phone this week. A Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge, which should definitely work exactly the same as my S5. For instance, regardless of if my phone is on silent or vibrate, the alarm should make a lot of noise. Right? Wrong. Instead of my alarm, I woke up to my phone buzzing next to my head. I picked it up, noticed the time was about 10 minutes after orientation started and I was receiving a call, not my alarm. I answered it with my first words being an expletive I can’t use here followed by an apology. I then had to just grab my stuff, call my supervisor, apologize some more, and bike all the way there (as opposed to the usual train). I was more pissed off than anything because I don’t remember the last time I was late to something (at least something important). Google said it would take 50min. to walk there, so I had to bike faster than I’ve ever biked before. I arrived about an hour late, dripping with sweat and I’m assuming a bright red Irish face. I apologized to the lady in charge, who didn’t seem to care, she was just worried I was sick. There were various booths that provided information about the different aspects of living in Mie. I was able to get through all of them. Luckily for me, they schedule orientation to take way longer than necessary, so I finished and joined everyone else who was just sitting around. We watched a few other presentations about teaching. There were two optional workshops about driving in Japan and nomikai, or drinking parties. Drinking parties are work gatherings (usually on Friday nights) where everyone goes to an izakaya and orders a bunch of food and beer. It can get a little expensive since the bill is split evenly regardless of what you get (especially when you don’t really drink). However, it’s a good place to see your teachers relax and open up. I won’t be driving, and I figured the older JETs are well versed in the art of drinking in Japan, so I skipped them. The last presentation (or at least the last I remember) was about expectations vs reality of teaching ESL. The expectation is that the teachers will help you out and you’ll be best friends while teaching and the kids will be eager to learn. The reality is sometimes the teachers don’t even show up and just leave everything to you (I’ve been told I shouldn’t have this problem). Another thing they told us was that there will be crying. I started to argue that I’d at least wait till I got home, but then realized that they meant the students. You’ll accidentally call on a shy kid, or someone will have a bad day, but eventually it’ll happen. We’ll also get kids that act out, and apparently you can’t whip them here anymore, either. Sometimes you just draw all the attention to them and make them feel awkward, and sometimes you just ignore them. We’ll also have to learn to correct them without making them feel bad. About half of you just scoffed at the idea of me helping you without berating you, but you’re adults, get over it. It’s how I work (and sometimes just how I come off unintentionally). I’ve found that the best phrase is, “Good job, you’re really close, but…” and fill them in on what they did wrong, even if they weren’t close (which from a teaching standpoint, is much better than my usual speech about how everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to them). Finally, the speeches wrapped up, and I rode my bike back home to get ready for my first day of work the next day.

Will I wake up in time for school tomorrow? How many different alarms will I set to prevent sleeping in? Will I have stress dreams about going in my underwear? Would I even be stressed if I did? Find out next time on the Gaijin Chronicles! Dah dahh dadahhh da dahh duuhhh.

Ok, first of all, that title only works if you pronounced it right. It’s Mee-ay, it doesn’t rhyme with pie. Come on, I did a whole pronunciation guide for a reason. Work with me here. Anyway, yes. After a long two days (that makes it sound sarcastic, but it wasn’t) of Tokyo orientation, I finally made it to my new apartment in Tsu, Mie (Tsu like tsunami, which doesn’t actually have a silent ‘t’. Like the ‘z’ in “Nazi” or ‘tts’ in “butts”).

At about 8am, we gathered with all the other Mie JETs and prepared to brave the wilderness of Shinjuku station, the busiest station in the world (over 3.5 million people a day). We took that to Tokyo station, known for being such a maze that video game designers actually use it for dungeon inspiration. We were crammed pretty tight, but I’ve been in way worse. From there we took a FREE (usually $100+) bullet train to Nagoya, home of a castle and most Japanese people I know. Because I’ve taken this shinkansen before, I knew to sit on the right side for a good view of Mt. Fuji as long as the weather’s good enough. It was. Unfortunately, we didn’t have much time at Nagoya station, so I was deprived of my usual Krispy Kremes (which is basically a Japanese food to me now since I eat it far more often here).

Asante Sana, Squash Banana, Wewe Nugu Mimi Hapana
After the 3+hr. train ride, we finally arrived at Tsu station. Waiting for me and the two other Tsu JETs were our new supervisor and some current JETs. We piled in a van and went to the bank where we got our new bank accounts set up. For all official documents, instead of just a signature, we also have a magical stamp with our name on it that’s completely unique to us and necessary for most important things. I wonder how long it’ll be until I lose it… Then we went to some government building to meet the superintendent or mayor or whoever (we’ll never meet them again, it’s all formalities). Finally we went to the TV/Internet company to get our service started, stopped at a supermarket to get some food for later, then arrived at our new apartments (girls in one, guys in the other (that’s more coincidence than a rule, my predecessor was a girl)). I’d been expecting to have a pretty small apartment here (definitely smaller than the domiciles I’ve become accustomed to), but that’s fine. I spend most of my time in one room regardless. So when I walked in and saw the kitchen with en-suite bathroom (by bathroom I mean a closet with a toilet next to a separate room with just a bath, as they do here), and one other room with a desk and tv, it was about what I expected. However once I opened what I thought was a closet and saw my tatami room with a piano and exercise bike (nobody knows where the piano came from), I was quite pleased. What I was slightly less pleased at was the intense heat I felt inside. Japanese houses rarely use central heating and cooling, so I have two separate air-conditioners (one for each the tatami and living rooms). When it’s been on a while, it’s fine, but when you’ve just gotten home, it’s basically as hot as it was outside. Also, to save money, usually only one room is cooled at a time, so just exiting to go to the kitchen is equivalent to just walking outside and immediately starting to sweat. There’s also one tiny problem with the lack of a bed. Now, as some of you might already know, many Japanese people sleep on futons. “Yeah, so did my kid for a few years after college,” you might be thinking. However I don’t mean the couch-bed transformer that you’re thinking of. I mean a giant cushion not unlike one you might put on a lounge chair by the pool. Here’s the thing: when one’s dad starts a job at Tempur-pedic, one becomes accustomed to not sleeping on the floor. I’m fine with a futon every once in a while, and I’ve been so tired that it doesn’t matter, but eventually I’m going to prefer an actual bed (or at least mattress. Heck, I don’t even need the boxspring). I’m not complaining, these are just things I have to learn to deal with now that I live here. Anyway, I’ll give a more detailed tour in a later post/video. After unpacking a bit, we went out to dinner with our supervisors and a few other JETs (five of us new (one had arrived the week before)). The current JETs told us about Tsu and what to expect teaching and living here. Part of it was basically un-orientation, where they told us everything that was BS about what we learned in Tokyo orientation (such as how the teachers will basically rely on us to do most of the lesson planning, rather than doing it in tandem or following their lead). It was during this time that I was told the greatest news I’ve ever been told: there are monkeys all around one of my schools, and on some days I won’t be able to get to the school because they’re blocking the road. It is someone’s job to then go out with a stick (presumably one that looks like this) and chase them off. After dinner, some of us then went to a little afterparty at another bar down the street. It was fun to finally meet everyone and get to relax after all the orientations. We finally got done at around midnight (long after some of us hit the jetlag wall), then I got back and found out my computer had decided to basically reset itself (at least keeping the files). I tried for the next hour to fix it, but nothing worked so I gave up and went to bed, knowing I had to be up in six hours.

The New Tsu Crew
The next day we were picked up from our apartments and taken to our new schools. However, since there were four of us, and we each had four schools, AND some of the schools were out in the inaka (boonies), we only had time to go in for like 5 minutes, introduce ourselves, then leave. Since we were in the car with each other for almost 5 hours, and most of us were from different countries (America, Canada, England), we spent a lot of time talking about our accents and how they do different things in our countries. At my Jr. high school, there are two English teachers who came to see and talk to me. Their English seemed pretty good, but one was this cute old Japanese lady who had the softest voice I’ve ever heard. At en elementary school(some class sizes are only about 7), I was constantly told how small it was. Then I got there and it was a big, two story building (though it was only two rooms deep, so maybe it looks bigger than it is). We finally finished a little before 1, so we headed to the phone store/mall. We ate some ramen (and ice cream) at the food court, then went to get our phones. One of the current JETs helped me translate to figure out the best plan and whether or not my American phone would work (but then I wouldn’t be paying them enough money, so of course it “wouldn’t”). Finally we figured everything out, but then he told me that I needed my passport, along with my gaijin card (that’s the unofficial name for the residence card that proves I live here) and my credit card. In other words, I had to go all the way back to my apartment (along with one of the other JETs). So we headed back to the station, which wasn’t too far, but it was still ridiculously humid and I was sick of walking. We took the train to the station closer to our apartments, then checked the used bike shop for bikes. They didn’t have any, so we had to walk back to our apartment. We got our passports, some extra bikes used by other JETs, then biked back to the station. Then the two of us went back to the train store where another JET came to save us and translate our buying of phones (in spite of the brevity I wrote this with, it took like 3 to get back). Then we went and got new bikes and Wi-Fi routers, then the two of us headed home as everything closed (it was 8pm). Luckily now that I had my phone, we had GPS to get back. Unluckily, about two-thirds of the way back, the other guy’s bike chain broke, so we had to walk/Flinstones-style pedal back home. Once I got back, I continued to try and fix my things, but to no avail. I gave up on the router and decided to do next-day delivery (free on Amazon Prime thanks to Japan being small). For the first night in a while, I went to sleep knowing I could finally sleep in.

Tabemono
Saturday was mostly spent organizing and unpacking things and “fixing” my computer by just resetting everything then upgrading to Windows 10 (now I don’t seem crazy when I talk to my computer!). It makes me sad that 10am was considered “sleeping in,” but such is the life of an adult. Around lunchtime, I decided to go explore the area and find food. I was on a search for hamburg steak with demi-glace, since it’s been a long time since I’ve had it (English teacher test: explain the difference between those two ‘since’s, then explain how it’s different from ‘because’). I couldn’t find anywhere, and the one place that I knew had it was too far away, so I succumbed to my hunger and got ramen again (I think I’ve eaten more noodles this past week than I did most of last year). However, each time I’ve gotten a different flavor of ramen, so it’s fine for now (I can argue how Jet’s, Buddy’s, and Domino’s pizza are all basically different foods). I thought about getting “fried potato” (I’ve rarely ever been in a restaurant here where you couldn’t get french fries. It’s about as common as edamame), but I decided not to reveal my identity as an American yet, so I got karaage instead. I’m beginning to realize the limits of my options in Japan if I can’t stop being a pain in the ass victim of ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (totally a thing)). I went back to my apartment and waited for my router to be delivered so I could finally use Wi-Fi, and therefore my phone (or computer more than 3 feet (sorry, a meter) from my desk). At around 7, I met with some people to go to dinner at a gyoza place. I decided that I need to start trying to bend or break my brain’s rules, so I ate some (after convincing my brain it was ok because I ate everything in it), and actually really liked it (hooray! Another food I can eat here). I only mention these to demonstrate my growth whilst here (I’m a big kid now (if you didn’t sing that, do it again)). Most of you don’t give a crap about what I eat, and you shouldn’t (one of many reasons Instagram is dumb. You went to Chili’s, don’t take a picture of food anyone can get). I usually only bring it up when others are trying to determine what I should eat. You eat what you want, and I’ll worry about me (you’re not my real mom! (just adding the word ‘real’ makes that way more intense)). I’m pretty sure there was a coherent thought among the parentheses (do you see why I often seem distracted now? It’s because of all the parentheses in my head). Once I got back, there was a message saying that they missed me delivering my router (apparently they deliver as late as 9, so of course they waited till I was at dinner), and I learned that you have to be present to receive all packages. So now I have to figure out when I’ll be home and call and tell them. It’s like getting cable installed.

Sorry, this was one of the longer posts, but there’s a lot of information I had to cover for posterior’s sake (shhhh). I’ll start adding picture soon, along with an exclusive view of my new apartment. Next week I have Mie orientation, my first day of work, then two days of vacation before the weekend! Will I learn anything useful this time at orientation? Will I have to beat some monkeys with a stick? Is that a euphemism? If it wasn’t, would you really want to know? Find out next time on the Gaijin Chronicles! Dah dahh dadahhh da dahh duuhhh.

If you didn’t get the title reference, go and listen to Space Jam right now (or even better, any mashup. Actually, while you’re at it, listen to that whole soundtrack because it’ll get you pumped for anything (however I can’t recommend watching the movie. Keep it preserved in your mind for what it was). I am now in a country of people that not only don’t know what Space Jam is, but don’t even know who ANY of the characters are. But I digress (when don’t I?)…

After a busy week of cleaning and moving out of my apartment (largely with help from my wonderful mother), attempting to fit all my things in suitcases while staying under the weight limit (I gave up on one), and listening to how important every phone/tv/internet company said I was (now that I was leaving), I woke early (for me) Saturday morning and was driven to the airport where I joined the 50-something other JETs in preparing for our new jobs. I ate my final American meal at McDonald’s (the night before was Buddy’s, which was my final decent meal), then took a 13 hour flight to Japan. Now most of you know that I can’t sleep on airplanes. Even if I could, the plane took off around noon, and landed the equivalent of 1am. That’s all before my bedtime. However, the plane is kept dark most of the time, so I’d still get really tired (at one point I started seeing something on the wing of the plane. It was either Bigfoot or William Shatner, I was too tired to tell). On top of that, once I landed it was only 2pm, which meant that the day was just beginning. After going through customs (JETs basically got a free pass, which made it way easier to get all that heroin though), we followed a trail of lime-green-shirted JET people to get to the buses. It was like a treasure hunt, but instead of riddles, there were cute Japanese girls (and a few dudes) pointing to the next one. As soon as I walked outside, my clothes instantly became damp from the humidity. Our reward for finding the end was a 2 hour bus ride to the hotel (worst treasure ever). Once we were there, we got our information packets and were set free to do whatever. I went and showered, met my temporary roommate, then went with a few other people to walk around Shinjuku where we found an awesome ramen place. At around 8, the jetlag started setting in, but my brain kept trying to resist the idea of going to bed at 8 because I’m neither a child nor a grandparent. An hour later, I finally gave in and passed out.

Tokyo Orientation: Day 1: I Like Apples
The next morning, Orientation started at 9. Normally this would mean that I’d try and wake up by 8. Instead I woke up at 4:30, then 5ish, then like 3 other times before finally getting up at about 7:30. I guess you could say I was… JET-lagged (I’m sorry, I’m better than that). Orientation was basically a series of speeches about what to do/not do, what to expect, and who owns employs us. I sat with some Detroit JETS, but the girl next to me was from New Zealand. I slowly fell in love with her, due mostly to her accent (I love Australian/NZ accents as much as I hate Southern ones). I’m sure we’ll be very happy together if I can ever remember her name. We had a break for lunch where we all gathered around these tables where there was a big lazy Susan on the table (the spinny thing, not some fat white girl) with seaweed soup and penne. I just had some penne (most of you thought “that sounds good,” but at least five of my family members fell out of their chairs (yes, I’m that picky)). I’m not sure what idiot decided on the penne, though. “Hey, you know how everyone’s wearing really nice outfits? Let’s serve them marinara and watch them struggle to not spill any.” At the table were two British chicks and the rest were American. I laughed at how much more refined they were while we all ate (I copied their napkins-as-bibs techniques because I did’t trust myself). Then we broke off into groups depending on what type of school we’d be teaching at. I went to the elementary school one. As you would expect, we just played games the whole time, learning how they were used to teach. One involved drawing a fruit, then going around the room asking people what fruit they liked, and trying to find others who liked the same fruit (I picked strawberry since it was easy to draw, and I was afraid my usual answer of “Nathan Lane” might be viewed as offensive). We got out around 5, at which point I returned to my room and struggled with the eternal “to nap or not to nap” question. Some people planned on doing karaoke, but jetlag was taking me, and the more tired I get, the less social I get. I’d rather do karaoke with actual friends as opposed to “this weekend only then never see each other again friends (I know, I’m a ray of sunshine).” Instead, I just ran to 7-Eleven and bought my beloved chuka soba and a giant thing of water to help my dehydration, then went to bed.

Tokyo Orientation: Day 2: U.S. vs Them
I got up early so I’d have time to go eat breakfast, then decided I was too lazy and just ate some Froot Loops I had. My schedule today was entirely focused on elementary education, and thus consisted of story time, singing, and crafts. It was just like summer camp! First we heard from three ALTs about their experiences teaching kids and working at the schools. It was two American girls and a big Jamaican dude. It was fun just to hear him say anything. I wanted him to start singing “Under the Sea” or the Slowpoke song, but no such luck. In the next class, we had to learn English based on a scenario the teachers presented being at a toy store. However, we knew English, which was cheating, so instead we learned Welsh. Long story short, I can now buy a teddy bear in Wales. I actually was in a group with my new love and some other New Zealanders (I didn’t plan it, she wasn’t hot enough to purposely stalk, but overall JETs aren’t winning any beauty contests, so everyone gets a boost. Also that accent makes everyone prettier (even dudes). If I was going to stalk her, it would have been easier to first befriend the other kiwis until they accepted me as part of their group, then go for the kill. I had a lot of free time to think, which usually isn’t good). For the next class, some other dude sat next to me, which at first annoyed me because he wasn’t the one I loved, but I actually ended up getting along with him more. Anyway, in most situations, we were told to act like 10 year olds (about 2-3 years younger than I usually act). For the reading, we gathered up in the front of the room on the floor, Indian style (which is probably offensive now). The teacher pulled out “The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” and everyone cheered. Not because we were acting like 10yo’s, but because who the heck doesn’t like that book? The point was to read and do motions for everything so that the kids understood even if they didn’t know the words. Then we got back in our groups and did the same thing with each other (we did part of “Jack and the Beanstalk.” How the heck do you motion “Jack’s mom told Jack to take the cow to the market to sell?” We just pointed a lot and tried to motion dragging a cow, then exchanging invisible money. For the fourth class, we worked on phonics (which you might remember as being a popular drug in the 90’s often sold on infomercials). For each letter, we had to teach an “anchor sound” that went with it (the most common sound it makes). However, this is where we ran into disagreements. We started with the ‘a’ in apple. The Brits and kiwis said “ahpple,” the Americans said “apple,” and I tried my best not to accidentally use a nasally Michigan ‘a’. The Europeans (and maybe some Bostonians) said “cah,” Americans said “carrr.” Europeans said “they took ou’ jobes,” Americans said “they terk er jerbs!” Since I was paired with a kiwi, we kept comparing the differences, which was really interesting. They were actually told to let their teachers know the differences between their accents and the ones the teacher was used to (most likely American). For the final class, we did arts and crafts! The teacher showed us three pictures describing an animal (usually color, country of origin, defining characteristic). For example, yellow, from Kanto, red cheeks is obviously a Pikachu (that may or may not have been an actual example, but considering we’re like 10 minutes from where the annual thousand Pikachu parade is, it might as well have been. We were then tasked with doing this ourselves on a big piece of paper. We chose a penguin because it was the only thing anyone could draw, and we only had black pens, so it was easier. It was unquestionably one of the worst looking projects I’ve ever done. A two year old could have done better. After the final class, we met with our prefecture group and learned how we were getting to our new homes. That night, the American consulate put on some kind of presentation, but there was no food and therefore I doubt any Americans actually went (it’s like they don’t even know their own country). Instead, some of us went to McDonalds, which I think counts as American soil (in my defense, I didn’t want to go, but other people were, so I went along). I had to help some people order and read the menu (they had extra stuff like Fillet o’ fish and a shrimp fillet), then we quick ate and took a walk around Shinjuku. We were warned to be careful of people trying to bring us into restaurants, get us drunk, then take our money, so we stayed in the nearby area. After exploring, a friend of mine showed me a cool restaurant/stand on a corner where you stood at these barrels with wooden tables on the top, ordered chicken, then ate standing up outside (it was a little humid, but otherwise perfect weather for it, and we got to people watch). They had pretty much every part of the chicken (including but not limited to the liver, tongue, and uterus (that’s not a joke)). I went with the “don’t tell me what I’m eating and I should be ok” rule, and tried a few different pieces (only one of which almost got me sick). I returned to the hotel, took a shower, and packed so I’d be ready for the next morning when I’d finally move to Mie.

(Hey everyone, it’s me, Curtis. Thanks for reading and all that. Now that I’ve finally moved to Japan, I’ll try and keep everyone updated as much as possible. For the first few weeks, it’ll be more frequent (as long as I have time) since I’ll be doing more interesting stuff. Once I get into a set schedule, I’ll mostly focus on when I do something interesting. I’ll also continue to post Lost Chronicles when I have free time, and mark them appropriately so I don’t confuse people with where I am. I’ll also probably start to change things up a little like adding more pictures when I have the time or changing some shtick. Until then, I’ll stick with the old stuff. With that being said…)

What’s my new apartment like? How long will it take to remember my new phone number? Will I survive rush hour at Shinjuku station, the busiest station in the world? Do you like strawberries? Find out next time on the Gaijin Chronicles! Dah dahh dadahhh da dahh duuhhh.

Hello. How are you? Have you been alright on all those lonely, lonely nights? That’s what I’d say, I’d tell you everything if you picked up that telephone. But who needs a telephone when I can tell you everything right here? No physical interactions required! That’s right, I’m back by popular demand (and boredom), and I thought what better way to start again than with a relatively obscure ELO song? (For my younger readers, it’s the song from Billy Madison when he calls Steve Buscemi.) As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, I’ll be moving to Japan soon to start teaching English through the JET Program. I figured I’ll start with what I’ve done so far, then once I get there I’ll “regularly” update my blog with what’s going on. Now you’ll all finally have something to do at work (other than, you know, actually do your job for once). For those who have recently added me on Facebook, either you already know I’m a smartass or you think I’m a terrible person. Either way is fine. As a reminder to everyone, if you see a word you don’t know (usually Japanese), hover over it and there’s a good chance I’ve added a tooltip for it that will help. If you’re on your phone, figure it out yourself. Use contextual clues. You’ll get it. I’ll even sometimes add them for my vaguer references. I will also warn my readers that there’s a bit of reading involved in this. I know you’re used to everything being numbered with pretty pictures like Buzzfeed, so reading more than three sentences at a time will be weird, but you’ll get through it. I believe that’s everything, so let’s start the show!

Doing the JET Program has been a dream of mine ever since I was a baby. Many people in my family know that “JET” was actually my very first word (granted, it was also our dog’s name, but that doesn’t make it less true). But much like in Baby Geniuses, this dream was forgotten once I reached a certain age. Then, at the age of 23, I thought, “Well, I either get a boring job at one of these car companies, or I can go to Japan and find a cute Japanese girlfriend.” Sorry GM. Back in November, the application process started. I had to get two letters of recommendation, write some essay, submit my résumé and diploma, all in a relatively short period of time. Once I submitted that, I had to wait (this will become a theme) until early January to find out whether or not I passed the first round. I figured I speak a decent amount of Japanese, and already teach ESL to Japanese kids, so I was set for at least that one (not that I wasn’t still nervous). Then in January I got an email saying I moved on to the next round and would be interviewed in February. So I waited till February and went to the Japanese embassy at the Renaissance Center for the interview. Previously I had only been to the Ren Cen for Youmacon (anime convention around Halloween), so out of habit I went dressed up as Link. They had all these weird rules about not telling other people what questions you were asked or talking to other applicants about it at all. Luckily the Internet is full of people who didn’t get in and therefore didn’t need to follow those rules, so I looked up what kind of questions I might be asked. Many of them are the basic “Why do you want to do JET? What will you bring to this job? What have you done with my family?” Basic questions. Then I came across ones like “How do you explain the bombing of Hiroshima to a 7yo?” I believe the best answer to that are shout, “Look over there!” and run. I call that a Grinch question, because I wouldn’t touch it with a 39 1/2 foot pole. Another one I saw is “What is your best case scenario?” That’s an easy one: I move to the city and start teaching and making friends there. A few weeks into it, I learn that the city is the former home of an idol (female Japanese singer) who has decided to retire and move back in with her family. I happen to meet her at her parent’s shop where she works, not knowing she’s the idol because I’m American. We start talking a little bit because she’s one of the few English speakers around. She likes that I treat her as a normal person, and not like a pop-star. Eventually I learn who she really is, but I don’t care because why would I? We fall in love and live happily ever after (also we’ll be super rich). They said “best” case scenario. Sometimes I think people use that too loosely. I rarely hear someone’s worst case scenario ending with “and everyone I know and love dies.” That’s a REAL worst case scenario.

Anyway, in my actual interview, none of those came up. I was interviewed by three white people (I expected someone to be Asian). It was mostly them making sure that once I got there, I wouldn’t try to go back home and would stick with it. It started off nice, then it felt more like an interrogation (especially by the cranky lady). “If you majored in Comp. Science, why are you doing this job?” etc. Then they asked how I’d meet people, and I said I could just to with people to a karaoke bar or something. The nice lady then asked me what songs I liked singing. I was so thrown off by it that I forgot all the songs I know. I said I did some English and some Japanese, and last time my friend and I did some Backstreet Boys song. Then she asked my favorite BB song. Again I went blank for a minute, but then we agreed Backstreet’s Back is the best. Then we talked about how I have a 90’s soul (her words, not mine). It ended with them asking me some questions in Japanese for “bonus points.” The first three were easy, but the fourth was a really long questions, asking about a word I didn’t know, so I just said “I don’t know.”

After that, I got to wait AGAIN to find out if I was accepted. Around the end of March, I got the acceptance letter. I was obviously happy (sorry to get so emotional on you, sometimes I can’t help it). However I had to wait more to find out where I’d be (this was the most important part since I wanted to be near everyone I knew). Eventually I got the name of the city and prefecture, but had to wait MORE to find out what grades, where I’d live, pretty much anything substantial. Finally at the end of June (just over a month before moving), I got a big booklet from my predecessor (the person who I’m taking over for) about the schools, the apartment I’d live at, etc. She gave me times for the morning trains, which is when I remembered that I’ll have a real job again that requires me to wake up at a single digit hour. One train was at like 6:50. Something in my brain dies a little bit when I see an a.m. time beginning with 6, even if it’s just before 7, it’s somehow worse. She also said that many of the previous predecessors to these schools (including her) were predominately Asian girls from California. Now, many of you don’t know this about me (it’s hard to tell just by looking at me), but I am not an Asian girl from California. Therefore, she suggested the students might be particularly excited to meet me.

So, there you have it. That’s roughly what I’ve been doing this past year. For our (I like using the plural because it makes it sound like I have a team, when really I just include my voices) return readers, I hope you enjoy your return to the chaotic labyrinth that is my brain. For our new readers, ummmm… yeah… try not to judge me too harshly yet. Also, you’ll get used to the parentheses (I think. I’ve never really asked anyone about them, it’s just the best representation of my thought process).
Also, look out for The Lost Chronicles, a series of previously unreleased posts! Coming soon…

In one month, I’m going to be Houkage king of the pirates an ALT in Tsu, Mie (we’ll work on that pronunciation later)!