Nothing’s sad until it’s over, then everything is.
Ides of March
While the first of April usually only marks a time where you can screw with people and get away with it, in Japan it marks the beginning of everything. New school year, new jobs, new bus schedule, new half, and even a new garbage schedule. The blooming of the cherry blossoms is the ultimate symbol of fresh beginnings, and they’re everywhere. There are plenty of real ones, but they’re also used as decorations and put into every food imaginable. If you’ve never eaten something sakura flavored, just drip flower-scented candlewax on any of your food, and you’ll get pretty much the same flavor. It’s not good (that’s not just because I’m picky, either).
Now, in American schools, once a teacher starts at a school, they seem to pretty much stay there until they move/die. However, Japan likes to mix things up for no reason, so every year in March, teachers find out if they’ll be staying at their current school or be transferred. I’m told that in general, they stay at a school for 4-5 years, but some of the teachers had only been there for a year or two. It sucks having no idea who’s staying or going. They’re all subject to the one in charge: the claawwww. The claw is our master. The claw chooses who will go and who will stay. Did I saw claw? I meant the BoE. Normally ALTs like myself are exempt from such changes, however the new BoE, in their infinite wisdom (that will forever stay secret from us), decided to change us around, too. So for the second half of March, we joined the teachers wondering if we’d ever see our children again.
Finally I was shown my schedule for last year. One of my four schools had switched. Admittedly out of the four, that was the one I’d choose, but I still didn’t want to. Most people were just as angry. One of the many problems with when they told us is that it was after most of us had finished classes. I was lucky in that I still had another class with some of my students. I had just said bye to the 6th graders (this school doesn’t feed into my JHS), so I figured it would be the same. However, these kids weren’t just moving up, they were being stolen from me for no reason. I wouldn’t get to teach the fifth graders I had taught since I got here, nor the fourth graders who I often played with at recess. As I said goodbye, one kid kept (melodramatically) yelling [So sad! So lonely!], which was funny. However, then I stopped by the classes I hadn’t taught that week. The girls kept saying, [Why!? It’s so soon!?] which got to me more. The next week some of the teachers gave me a glass with an etched sumo on it that rocks back and forth to simulate him lifting his legs up. I’ll miss those teachers, largely because they were mostly my age and there were a few cute ones. The teacher who I deemed my Tuesday girlfriend way back in September after we danced together gave me some extra chocolates that one of the teachers had brought in. I knew what this meant. The same act that had started our relationship (that she was unaware of) now signaled the end. In the fanfiction version of my life, it was a heartbreaking moment. I said goodbye to some students playing on the playground outside, then took my final walk to the bus stop where I mysteriously vanished as the bus drove by without stopping (actually two of my students got on the bus at the next stop and it blew their mind that I was on the bus, even though I took it every week).
While I remained at the three other schools, not everyone did. It was as if the BoE had come to me and said, “If you could pick any three teachers to stay at all the schools, who would you choose? Well screw you, they’re all leaving you.” My favorite vice principal AKA one of the only teachers who regularly talks to me left (he was also really funny). So did my main JTE (English teacher) who always used me and let me interact with the class. Getting a new JTE is scarier than anything else. You have no idea how they’ll treat you as an ALT. Some are great and ask you to help or think of lesson plan ideas. Others treat you like a glorified tape recorder. (Luckily the new JTEs seem really nice and will give me leeway, but you don’t know that until you teach with them). A few other teachers left as well, including the only cute one one my age at one of the schools, and one or two that were super helpful to me when I first started (one is just having a baby, so might be back eventually). So just like Caesar’s death marked a changing point in Roman history, so too did the (metaphorical) deaths of these teachers mark a changing point in my teaching career (and you thought I just called this section the Ides of March because it had March in it).
April Fools, Squidward
On Friday, April 1st, I went to (an old) school. The main door that I always use was locked (prank 1), so I entered from the teachers room. When I walked in, some tall Japanese guy was just standing there staring at me. Once I changed my shoes (yeah, you do that at all schools), I looked at him and he introduced himself as the new principal. I had partly forgot that was happening, but then remembered that all the new teachers were starting that day. They were in a meeting at first, but later came out and introduced themselves. One or two of them were even cuter than the one who left, which helped ease the imaginary pain of her leaving. Turns out, the hot one’s desk was right next to mine! Not only that, but she spoke a little bit of English to me (which no one here has done) and said she wanted to practice (Although I’ve had cute teachers tell me that before, then basically ignore me, so I was cautious). Turns out that was prank number 2. Then Bowser the principal announced that it was desk shuffling time (Mwahaha). Before this, I was near the sink, so teachers would actually say hi when they stopped by. After the switch, I was in the opposite corner where it would be easier to ignore me (that’s not the reason, I was just bitter). However, the guy who I did end up next to turned out to be a friend of my boss and even better at English than the girl was. The teachers were busy since school was starting soon, but he still talked to me a bit, which was nice since I was bored out of my mind. Most of the day, the teachers were all off having various meetings in other parts of the school. I helped a little when they were moving a tv to another room, then was told arigatogozaimasu [thank you very much]. It was the most politely I’ve ever been told to gtfo. As I was sitting in the office with two other staff ladies, someone’s phone started making a kind of whooping sound. Halfway through thinking, “That’s a weird ringtone,” my phone started doing the same. I looked at the screen to see a bunch of illegible (to me) Japanese. Before I could ask what it was, a voice from the phone announced jishin, jishin. I learned what that meant from Pokémon a long time ago: earthquake. Sure enough, I began to hear a rumbling in the distance. A second later, the ground shook. It wasn’t very strong, but it lasted a while. Living in Michigan for 20 years, I had never really felt one until last year. Even then it was pretty small. I looked at the staff ladies who were deciding what to do, as if reminding them that I was there and I have no idea what’s going on. One of them says [go outside], so I went out with one of the other teachers. I could tell it wasn’t too serious, both because nothing fell over and because some of the teachers continued running around inside doing stuff. After a few minutes, I was given the ok to go inside. Overall, a terrible April Fool’s joke. They turned on the tv, out of which I mostly understood [No chance of tsunamis], which was the important bit. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. The teachers came back and stamped a bunch of things for a few hours. I sat there doing nothing. I don’t know which was worse.
The next week I continued meeting new teachers, debating whether to say my name the actual way or just skip straight to Kaatis. On Tuesday, I went to my new school. Unlike when I first came here, when my predecessor explained how to get there, and other inner workings of the school, I was going in blind. Once I figured out where to take the bus from, it should have been simple since the bus stop is right in front of the school. However, I had no idea where the teachers room was, and it was a pretty huge school. So I walked around it until finally I saw someone to ask. Turns out the preschool is part of the same building, so I was on the opposite end. Finally I get there and greet the principal and vice principal. I go through the basic routine of where I’m from and how long I’ve been here. Then there was some confusion as to when I’d be there, and he started asking me too many questions at once. Luckily, I was saved by one of the new teachers, who was a lady who had worked with our boss and had helped us ever since we got to Japan (until she, too, got moved). They showed me my desk, where I have my own personal computer (PC, I shall call it) for once (usually I have to share because my laptop can’t connect to their magic network). The following week I would have my first class, where I just did my normal self introduction stuff. Student-wise, it’s not too much bigger than some of my other schools (about 30 per class). However, there’s a lot more foreign and half Japanese kids. Their names are always easier to remember as they’re the only ones in katakana (alphabet used for foreign words). I’m pretty sure one of the foreign 6th graders is older than me. He’s huge, and also a beast at dodgeball. A worthy adversary. It’s so nice to have kids at the school again. It was getting really boring without them.
Drink Drink Drink
The end of a semester means another thing for teachers: enkai, or drinking parties. Enkai aren’t just “let’s go out and drink” parties. They’re multi-course, all-you-can-drink dinners for all the teachers. End-of-year enkais are famous for being the most expensive (normally around $50 per person, this one is over $70). I know what you’re thinking: what do I eat. Well, I always get a magic fish-free meal, which is good. However, there never seems to be enough meat. Americans figured this out a long time ago, less courses and more of the good stuff. Alas, I’m given various weird fancy vegetables and a few scarce pieces of meat, along with the most expensive Cokes I’ve ever drank. Problem number two is that most conversations occurring are way above my level. If I’m talking one on one, I’m usually fine. However, my listening is not good enough to deal with all the conversations going on at once. Also, the English teachers (JTEs) are the only ones who can talk to me in English. As such, a lot of the enkai involves just sitting there attempting to listen in before giving up and going on my phone. I do make note of the teachers nice enough to come talk to me, though most conversations are over after three questions or so. Not all that fun. The after-party, however, is much better. For the end of the year after-party, we went to karaoke. We got our room, then the teachers started asking if I knew Michael Jackson. I do a little, but I’m not a huge fan. I figured it was fine, we could all sing together, so they put on Thriller. Apparently it was just for me, not everyone. I’m really not a fan of Thriller, so I only know the main bits and had to fake my way through the rest. After that, each person did their song. I was surprised at how good a lot of the teachers were. Each one had their own style song, but almost all sounded really good. The principal (who was switching schools and was currently tanked) and vice principal both have really deep baritone voices and did a competitive duet, seeing who could sing it the best. Eventually everyone had their go, so I picked a song I actually knew. After careful consideration of what my voice could currently sing, I went with Don’t Stop Me Now since a lot of it is almost yelling, which was easier than trying to hit Take On Me’s high notes, which was another possibility. It went much better. The teachers were impressed, almost commenting on how good my English was before realizing how dumb that sounds. After that, they cycled through some more I had never heard of, along with the Evangelion theme because every Japanese person knows that. I asked my JTE if there were any English songs that everyone would know. She asked if I knew the theme from Titanic. Do I know it? I only ever sing it every night in my dreams (how else would I know you go on?). Towards the end, the cute teacher my age started picking a few other anime songs that I surprisingly didn’t know. For the last song, she was discussing song choices with the others and asked if she should do a sexy dance. Yes, please (disclaimer: the Japanese use of this word is slightly different. More cute sexy than slutty sexy). The drunk principal volunteered some other (male) teachers to join her. I joined as well, because as anyone who’s played Just Dance with me can testify, my hips don’t lie. The song played out just like the aforementioned game, but instead of a shadow, I was copying an actual person. Her dance was super cute, but mine was sexier. After that, we paid and figured out who would give rides to whom. One of the teachers said he knows around where I live because he always sees me at the bus stop (thanks for giving me a ride, butthole (honestly if he did, I’d get there too early, but still)). The sexy dancing teacher gave a few of us rides home. Unfortunately for me, I got home after 2:00 and had to be up by 7 or 8 to go to hanami (viewing of cherry blossoms) and sumo. Fun times.
What other changes have I gone through? Will time change me? Can I trace time? Find out on the next episode of the Gaijin Chronicles! Dah dahh dadahhh da dahh duuhhh.
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