The first week of May is called Golden Week in Japan. This is because there are three national holidays in a row (as well as no school the Friday before). The only one people seem to remember is 5/5: Children’s Day. This year those days were from Tuesday to Thursday, but for some reason people actually went to school both the Monday before and the Friday after. I am not one of those people. I took Monday off to go on a trip to Thailand, where the only thing hotter than the weather is some of the boys. Trivia time! What’s the capital of Thailand? If you’re a male who ever went to school, you probably just instinctively covered your crotch. Good reflexes. The rest of you were likely not taught it as effectively, though Thailand basically only has two famous cities: the one that sounds like the (male) c word, and the one that sounds like the f word. I’ve honestly never had any desire to go to Thailand, but some other people said we should go, so I figured I might as well check it out.
When searching for flights form Nagoya to Bangkok, you’re given some interesting options. The quickest option is the direct flight, which was a bit more expensive, but only took 6 hours. Some of the other listed options took over 24 hours. Why are you even giving me that choice? Who needs to save money so badly that they’re going to take a layover that’s three times longer than the actual flight (if you just tried to correct me by saying it’s four times longer, you forgot to subtract the flight time)? Most other options were around 9-10 hours, but left at ungodly hours in the morning. We took the financial hit for the sake of comfort and sleep. Maki and I left around 11 and got there at about 3 (2hr difference). We went to information to find out the best way to get to the hotel. They said we could take an airport taxi at a flat rate of 1400 baht (<$40), or a public taxi and have to pay tolls. It was a matter of who would rip me off less. I decided to try the airport taxi. They also offered to pick us up from the hotel when we came back, which I liked because then I wouldn’t have to deal with it. Then they also tried selling us city tours. I had read about this, so I knew to watch out for the foot-in-the-door style stuff where they keep trying to sell us things. Our driver was an older man with a long beard. Now, you’re either picturing a long Dumbledore-esque beard, or one like mine but longer. However, his beard was only growing out of a giant mole on his chin. It looked like something you’d expect from a cartoon character. On the way to the hotel, he asked us when we were going back. We showed him the paper that said Wednesday. He then proceeded to tell us, “Don’t call company. If you call me, I give you discount. 1000 baht ($30).” I was glad that I didn’t have to worry much about him ripping me off because he was too busy ripping off his own company. We had already gotten the ticket back, so it didn’t matter anyway. Then he asked what we were doing, gave us his number, and told us to call him if we needed a ride. This was a better method than a taxi driver in Florida who asked me for my number, then got annoyed when I didn’t give it to him. Why the hell would I give a random taxi driver my personal phone number?
One of the first things we noticed was how much hotter it was here (almost 100°). Luckily, unlike Japan’s humid heat, Thailand is a lot drier and therefore more tolerable. The other thing was how much more colorful everything is. The taxis were mostly pink or yellow and green, the tuktuks driving around were decorated with all sorts of things, and the streets were littered with colorful shrines and food stands. I was also surprised at the amount of English on their billboards considering no one seems to really speak English here. However, their English is better than my Thai. Curtis can’t talk Thai (unlike Jack. Jack talked Thai real good). I looked it up a bit, but it’s too tonal. As we got closer to the hotel, there were more and more streets with food vendors, kids playing soccer on old basketball courts, and people just lounging outside of run down shops. It felt like an Asian Mexico rather than a big city.
We got to our hotel, which bore the unfortunate name of The Twin Towers. Our friends who came later were staying at a nearby hostel, but a Bangkok hostel did not sound appealing to me. The hotel room was pretty big (and super cheap because Thailand), and had wooden floors, which I’ve never seen in a normal hotel room. The AC was on full blast, which would be a good change from the sweltering heat outside. The one thing our room was missing was a safe. Instead of a room safe, there were two rooms with safety deposit boxes next to the lobby. You had to ring a doorbell, then wait for them to buzz you in. Then they’d give you a box to put your valuables in (so my 3DS and tablet (I had to keep my passport on me)). They also had the cheapest room service I had ever seen. It was cheaper than the food would be at a lot of normal restaurants. They had some Thai food, some Japanese food, and some American food, including a hamburger with “Your favorite toppings: bacon and eggs.” What? What weirdo puts eggs on a hamburger? Maki said a lot of people do it. I told her those people are wrong. By the time we got checked in and settled, it was getting late (by Japan time), so we just ordered room service and watched TV (which included hilarious Thai versions of Spongebob and the Fairly Oddparents).
The next morning, we headed out to check out the local malls and street vendors. As soon as you step out of the hotel, tuktuk drivers flock to you like seagulls fighting over a French fry. “Where you go?” “I take you! 100 baht (<$3)” One of Maki’s main goals was to ride in a tuktuk, so we got in and he took us to the mall. Leading up to the mall, we looked at some of the food that people were selling. Now, I’m not usually that germaphobic. However, a lot of the food they were cooking didn’t look sanitary. In some cases, there were flies buzzing around, and a lot of the food just seemed like colored goop. I’ve gotten a lot better about eating, but I’m not quite that adventurous. We got to the sidewalk outside the mall, where they checked our bags. Just outside was a cool little shrine and a big painted metal elephant. Once we got inside, they checked our bags again. They can check our bags as many times as they want, because it means they’re checking everyone else’s. Despite what Nicolas Cage may have you believe, Bangkok doesn’t seem particularly dangerous. However, there had been some attacks there last year, so better safe than sorry. The first mall we went to was very Westernized. They had Gap, North Face, H&M, even an Auntie Anne’s: the same stores you’d expect at most American malls. For brunch, we went to a pancake place where you could choose from a bunch of options to make almost any kind of pancake you wanted. You chose the type (buttermilk, chocolate chip, 5 others I stopped reading after chocolate chip), what fruit you wanted, what ice cream on top, what secondary topping (chocolate chips, nuts, etc.), and whipped cream or whipped butter. I got a chocolate chip pancake with more chocolate chips, strawberries, strawberry ice cream, and whipped cream. My only regret was not getting enough pancakes. Downstairs there was a “Chocoholics Convention” going on. There were people making their own chocolate, fondue fountains, sculptures made out of chocolate, and tables where I’m assuming people discussed in groups how their chocolate addiction is slowly tearing their family apart.
We took the Skywalk, which is just a fancy name for a bridge that goes along the street, to the next mall supercenter that was a little more Thaiish. We looked around the supermarket, which had tons of weird fruits and packages I couldn’t read. I found some Reese’s, which I’m required to buy any time I see due to them being unavailable in Japan. They even had root beer! Japanese people notoriously hate root beer, and Korea didn’t have it either. It would have been even more joyous had I not ordered two packs from Amazon a month ago. Either way, I’ve missed it. The third mall had a big store filled with Thai decorations like carpets (none magic), golden elephants, a sequin Pegasus, a tiger whose stomach was a geode and a fat lady doing yoga. There was also a chandelier store. I have no idea who’s buying a chandelier for their Bangkok apartment, but it was there. They even had some cars on display on the third floor. I have no idea how they got up there. In a connected building, there was an aquarium, but there was an hour and a half wait just to get in, so we didn’t bother. All around the mall there were statues of famous people like Tom Cruise, Predator, Spider-Man, and various other heroes (I took this sexy pic with Catwoman). Apparently there was a Madame Tussauds museum nearby, which explained that. Across a little plaza was another mall. It was one of the strangest places I’ve ever been. As soon as you walk in, there’s two kind of robotic statues where the male had a lightbulb penis, and the woman had two lightbulb boobs (as they do in the future). Down the hall were mannequins with weird colored animal heads, and others that were Daft Punk-esque baby heads. The clothes were all sorts of crazy patterns and things you can’t imagine anyone would wear in public. One store even had boob checkers. The mens/womens symbols for the bathroom were really weird, too.
Later that day, a few of the others arrived and after checking into their hostel, we all went out to dinner. We asked the lady working there if she had any recommendations for famous Thai drinks. She said they like Pepsi. Her other recommendation was a coconut drink. Then we asked for a dinner place, and she told us there were a few good restaurants at the nearby mall (different one). Mall food wasn’t exactly the Thai food we had in mind, but we went to check it out. This mall was much less Westernized, and in addition to normal stores, just had big areas with similar products placed together. The placement of the escalators required you to move to a different area every other floor (smart but inefficient), more like a video game than a mall. Once we got to the right floor, we had to walk through a forest of full coat racks and tiny shops to get to the restaurants. After looking around, we settled on the food court area that had a lot of different food options, Thai and otherwise. I had a traditional Thai food called Smashed Burger with REAL BACON. Japan’s bacon isn’t cured the way American bacon is, so it’s never as good. This, however, was the closest I’ve gotten since I left the US. The rest had actual Thai food. I don’t travel for food; I travel to see cool things. I don’t do well with spicy stuff, and my desire to eat American food not available (or rare) in Japan far outweighs my desire to try new things. For dessert, we went to a café that specialized in mango drinks and desserts. I got a watermelon smoothie. I like what I like. After dinner we got some drinks and went back to the hotel to play some card games. We turned on Thai Nickelodeon, but ended up getting too distracted watching (English) Totally Spies, because we had forgotten how terrible amazing it was. Once our drinks were empty (did I mention how much I missed root beer?), we went to bed and got some sleep before our full day of sightseeing in Ayutthaya.
You can view the full photo album here. As always, enter your email on the right to subscribe for free (though you can pay me if you want).
Next time on The Gaijin Chronicles: Part 2 of my Thailand trip. We travel to Ayutthaya, a city north of Bangkok with ruins, temples and reclining Buddhas, but without a dirty name like Bangkok or Phuket. What’s a reclining Buddha? How do you pronounce anything? Who is Mr. Boy? Find out tomorrow on the Gaijin Chronicles! Dah dahh dadahhh da dahh duuhhh.